Your Dogs Barking

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."




Think your dog can't count?
Try putting three cookies in your pocket, and giving him two....





The burglar knew he had a good night ahead of him. He'd checked out the house, the owners were away on vacation for two weeks, no alarm system, easy access, neighbors asleep early and a house full of electronic goodies, guns and jewelry.

As he busied himself opening the gun safe, he heard a noise. He jumped when a voice came out of the darkness:

"Jesus is watching you."

He shook his head, shined the flashlight where he knew the doorway was, and, seeing nothing, decided he shouldn't have had that last beer.

Back to the safe.

"Jesus is watching you."

At that point, he decided he must have heard something, but still didn't see anyone lurking in the room. He thought it might be a good idea to start loading up some of the small electronics, so just in case he had to leave quickly the night wouldn't be a total waste. He really shouldn't have had those last two beers.

"Jesus is watching you."

The burglar REALLY wished he hadn't had those last two beers and the rest of that joint before he started "work." His nerve broke, and he called out, "Who said that?"

"I did. Jesus is watching you."

He followed the voice and shined his light on the spot, revealing a large black mynah bird. "What are you?" he croaked at the bird, instantly feeling foolish for talking to it.

"I'm Moses."

"What kind of people name a bird Moses?" He really was going to have to lay off the booze.

"The same people who named their Pit Bull Jesus."



A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town. He sees a farmer and his hound dog sitting sitting out on the front porch of a rusted old shack, and he figures he'll have a little fun.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Farmer: "Dogs caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Great, thanks for asking."
(Farmer stares in stupefied amazement )
Cowboy: "How does your owner treat you?"
Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Alpo, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Horses caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
(Farmer falls off his chair)
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
The farmer stands up and says, "Them sheep ain't nothing but a bunch of liars!"


and lastly,
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'.

The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

There must be some real sick people out there!' :eek:

 

The Jesus one made me and my room mate laugh our butts off!

 

ROFLMAO! Those were too funny! I loved the Jesus one!

 

those are good. I knew the pit one already , but it still always makes me laugh

 

lol I like the sheep one.

 

the rabbit one sounds like the rabbit situation in the movie "dickie roberts ex child star" or something like that.

except they called it a devil rabbit and moved.